I am so unhappy right now and I don’t know why

truth is I’m kinda scared to go back to school because things won’t be the same as I left them and I hate change

uhhh I’m getting a stupid feeling about this upcoming year and friends and w h a t t h e f u c k even WHY I can never never never be confident that people will actually stay in my life I just don’t get it I’m sure I’m not the only person who feels this way but it makes me feel so upset for no God damn reason it just doesn’t make any sense

why do I always get so insecure about stupid shit?! seriously. no reason. at all. at fucking all.

I really, really need to talk to someone about all this loan shit. One of my friends, I know a few of them would listen and attempt to console me and really, really just listen but I never bring anything up because the situation isn’t right or the wrong people are around or I don’t want to just start crying while I talk about it because I know that’s exactly how it will be. I am just so terrified that I won’t be able to secure a loan for school next year and all my dad keeps saying is “apply to other schools, they cost less” but that is not the case at all as 1) I am only paying $17,000 a year to go to a $38,000 a year school, and every other school is at least $18,000 a year IF NOT MORE and I need the type of school I go to now to not only exist in but to get the type of education I need and want from and 2) I AM NOT LEAVING CARTHAGE. This is not even an option in my book. Absolutely not. I know nothing can be done about loans until June 1st, but with my anxiety shit I can’t help but make myself sick over all of this and not knowing what is happening come September. I hate uncertainties. I physically cannot handle not knowing and as much as my parents say there’s nothing we can do until June, we can still try and talk to people, figure out possible cosigners, and whatever else. There is no way in hell that I won’t return to Carthage in September, but without my parents’ help I can’t even begin to figure out how to make that happen. The financial aid guy at school was of no help to me. I just don’t know where to turn anymore.

I just need to type vent type whatever I would love to talk to someone about this but I won’t I never do but it’s my anxiety it’s really bad I don’t know why it’s so bad today probably because it’s the last break before summer it’s not even a break but you know whatever and I hate things ending especially when I am so so so happy with everything in my life I am going to miss school I am going to miss my friends more than anything in the world it’s going to be over three months until we’ll be able to hang out everyday I know I’m going to see them a fair amount over summer but honestly I’m the type of person who needs to constantly be around people especially people I actually like and care about then there’s my actual school I have no idea the likelihood of me staying here over the summer but I need to I just can’t live in my house for three months what am I going to do there I don’t have a good job where I’ll be able to work all the time I wish I did I’ll be lucky if I get one shift a week plus there’s gonna be everyone else fighting for the jobs then oh my God if this one year went by this fast, how the hell fast are the next three years going to go? I can’t handle only being in school for three more years yes there is grad school but it’s not the same to be 100% completely honest I want more than anything in the world to stay on this campus and work for however long. I would kill to be a hall director, work in the Dean of Student’s office, work in Admission’s, anything. I really, really, really want to do that now that I’m here and experiencing it I love it so much. I hate the uncertainty of not knowing what’s going to happen after I graduate even this far away from it that’s all I do worry worry worry we’re not even going to discuss the possibility of me not returning to school next year I would legitimately throw up there’s nothing I can do on that front until June 1st but holy shit I just freak out and freak out it all the time i need to see a therapist or something

one more week til college

one more week til 85% independence

one more week til school again (well a bit over a week)

one more week til living with someone I only know a little bit

one more week til real life  begins

by my mom and sister screaming at each other. After ten minutes of trying to ignore it and fall back asleep, I went and asked my other sister, who was in the kitchen and right next to where I sleep, what the hell they were yelling about. They were talking about someone’s mom being a bitch and someone else being a bitch and someone being a bad person or something like that, and Jensen told me they were talking about Leah, Lauren’s younger sister. I was beyond confused, because yes their mom is a bitch but not something that would cause a screaming match this early in the morning. Then Jensen informed me that Stephanie, Haleigh’s (my 16 year old sister) friend and her mother were making fun of Leah while Haleigh was there.

Here’s the deal, Leah and Lauren are both adopted, Lauren from a Caucasian couple from Chicago, and Leah from Romania. Leah is bipolar and I believe has a mild case of Asperger’s  (not positive) but she’s two years younger than my sister, and when Haleigh was in 7th grade and Leah in 5th grade, they were paired up as speech buddies to help Leah transition to middle school and yeah. They still hang out and since Lauren is my best friend they talk more and such. Leah was a cheerleader in middle school and going into high school this year, she was trying out again. Haleigh’s friend’s younger sister was trying out as well, and when Haleigh’s friend’s mom saw that Leah was trying out, she felt it necessary to complain to my sister about how it’s ridiculous that girls “like that” are allowed to try out. Um, HELLO?! Are you fucking retarded?! I HATE using that word to describe people, but I feel like there is literally something wrong with an adult, who has kids of her own, and turns around and talks like that about another child?! That is beyond unacceptable.

Considering this was directed towards my best friend’s younger sister, I feel like I have an obligation to tell Lauren about this, but that might cause more harm than good. Bottom line, I cannot believe there are such closed-minded, ignorant people in this 2010 world.

I guess I can talk about how I majorly fucked up at work on Friday.

I have to cash out the drivers and I don’t wanna explain how I do that but basically, to get the amount of money they owe, I use their cash total and subtract things from it. On Friday, for two of the drivers, I accidentally used their charge totals and ended up being over 100 dollars short on my drawer because of it. The one driver was only like $15 short so that’s nbd, but the other kid was $90 short, and he fucking knew but didn’t tell me. 

My manager talked to me about this yesterday and because it was such a big amount of money I have to be written up with a warning. I’m not in trouble beyond that, like no suspension or anything, but this fucking sucks because 1) I only have three shifts left before I leave, and 2) I’VE BEEN DOING THIS FOR THREE YEARS, HOW THE FUCK DO I MESS IT UP FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER TWO DIFFERENT TIMES IN ONE NIGHT?! That’s just idiotic of me! Ugh.

The drivers gave the money back so that’s so good, but what pisses me off beyond b e l i e f is that the one kid fucking KNEW that he owed more money but didn’t tell me, and if he had told me I wouldn’t have gotten written up! Honestly, what the fuck.

What’s terrible but eh karma! Is that the kid who was way over and didn’t tell me had his wallet (with all that money in it), phone, and camera stolen that night at the gym. Sucks.

It feels great. I’ve been thinking more about college and all that fin stuff since I went all out dorm shopping the other day, and shit, I move in in 54 days. That’s nuts. Part of me wishes it was sooner, part of me wishes I could go through senior year again (this is a really, really small part haha). Yeah, I’m gonna be independent and sort of on my own, but I don’t really feel like assuming all responsibilities for my life right now. I just really don’t want to fuck up in school. I can’t get anything lower than a C ever, maybe a few math classes can slide but that’s it. Chem 101 will kill me first semester. We’ll see how it all plays out.

Why exactly am I pre-med again?